Palpitations

I hereby pronounce the EKG (electrocardiogram, for you academic types) the most amazing invention known to mankind.

Why?

Because, prior to its invention, it was impossible to easily and accurately plot heart palpitations. This is a monumental development.

The computer age has rendered many arts into sciences. Take door-to-door sales, for example. Once upon a time, your success in selling typewriters was a function of your charming smile and blind luck (and resistance to slamming doors).

Now, we've got metrics, spreadsheets, and trend plots. Fewer polyester suits and more web advertisements. I'm not saying it's better, but on the bright side, telemarketers still exist in case you miss the charm of slamming doors.

So, what does this have to do with EKGs and heart palpitations?

Simple. Delivery of romantic lines is now open to direct inspection by the scientific method. What? You're not an artsy romantic? No fear, we've got you covered. Science geeks rejoice.

The method is simple. Hook your target up to a EKG prior to the moment of import. Then, let 'er rip (make sure you've got an audio recorder rolling). When done, sync the audio to the graph of the heart's electrical activity over time. The faster the heartbeat, the better your lines. Simple.

Granted, you don't get quality data overnight. It'll take a number of test subjects before you can tabulate enough data to draw a respectable bell curve and determine which words and phrases work best.

But hey, all that work is worth it. Go ahead. Hand over that hard-earned data to a software programmer, and before you know it, you'll have a brand-spanking new iPhone app, ready to serve your every chivalrous whim.

The lady of your dreams will be yours. Just have her speak into the microphone, and you will be instantly prompted with the correct response (with an appropriate error threshold, of course).

Oh, sure, there are risks. Every big breakthrough in the last... well... forever... has had its share of risks. She might verbally shun your use of technology, then proceed to put Tom Dickson to shame while shoving your sorry ego into the nearest dumpster.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Not everyone will be gracious and understanding about being inspected like an ant under the Fresnel lens of science. Pick your subjects carefully, or you will find yourself fried like a bug on the sidewalk. Not even kidding.

(Okay, the whole post was a joke, except for the last two paragraphs. Seriously. Be careful. You may not survive the encounter.)

Until next time,
- Daniel

P.S. For the record, I did not steal this from The Manslater (the concepts are easily confused, but trust me, iPhone apps are the future.)

P.P.S. You have my word that I was not under the influence of Star Wars when I came up with the title. The fact that Palpitations can be easily mistook for Palpatine is completely coincidental. (off topic, try saying "Palpatine's Perfectly Primed Palpitations" five times fast.)