Nonnegotiables

Humans are... can I say it? Stubborn.

And not only that, but the affliction gets worse as we age. If stubbornness were a cold virus, by our early twenties, most of us would have full-blown pneumonia.

"This is obvious," you say, "tell me something I don't already know."

I can do that.

There's a magic word most of us have ingrained in our vocabulary. Nonnegotiable. There are some things we won't permit--that go too far. These things, we don't even bother coping with them, because... after all... they're nonnegotiable.

Maybe it's just the season of life I'm in, but I see this concept used a lot in relationships.

"Yeah, I'm attracted to her. I thought she was The One. But, getting to know her better, I found that she's Pentecostal. I'm Amish for crying out loud. That's nonnegotiable."

"He's a fantastic guy. Thoughtful, courteous, and makes me feel special. But his close relatives are constantly doing things that remind me of bad Addams Family reruns. Sorry, that's just nonnegotiable."

Sure, those are outrageous examples, but they illustrate the point. "He snores." "She doesn't want a lot of kids." "He's not interested in going into the mission field." "She's not thrifty in how she spends money."

Nonnegotiables? To some people, they are.

In a Biblical sense, what sorts of things are nonnegotiables? Well... you both need to be Christians. That's about it.

Oh, and it helps if the two of you like each other. That's always a useful thing, assuming you're not the betrothal type.

Fact of life: there are some things you won't find out about the other person until you've married him or her. Some things--indeed--that you might have considered nonnegotiable beforehand.

Say, you find she's a terrible cook, and burns your toast every morning without fail. What are you going to do about it? Divorce her?

Of course not. You work through it. Maybe you team up with her. Take cooking lessons together. Something. You don't just roll over and die (unless the cooking really is that bad.)

Another example. Say you find that he has different ideas on how kids should be raised. What do you do about that? You work through it. Prayerfully, humbly, and in a giving way. Again, divorce isn't an option. In fact, the only Biblically sanctioned reason for divorce is sexual immorality, and even that isn't mandated.

Here's where I make a little stretch in logic. You tell me if I'm way off-base or not.

If we don't consider any issue in marriage (with the one possible exception given above) to be nonnegotiable, should the same be true (with the added requirements of both being Christians, attracted to one another) for pre-dating, pre-engagement?

Yes, relationships are hard work. I don't say this from personal experience, though those who have been in them tell me they are. However, hard work implies that some progress is being made. It implies that the obstacle isn't insurmountable, and that two people with a desire to work through issues that pop up can--indeed--do that very thing.

In short, stop being so stubborn.

The older we get, the more set in our ways we get. Don't let that get in the way of God's plan for you.

Until next time,
- Daniel