How to Get Lost

Who knew? Who knew that there's a 5,100 acre forest within walking distance of the largest metropolitan area in Oregon?

I sure didn't.

Yesterday, I took it upon myself to explore this new wonder. Like Moses and the burning bush, I approached the forbidding depths on foot in fear and trepidation. Unlike Moses, I left my shoes on. Also unlike Moses, I took the trouble of mapping my route via satellite first. Not that it did any good, but at least I tried not to get lost. That counts for something, right?

There are a number of factors which conspire against visitors to Forest Park. First, there are the trees, which--while not exactly old growth--are thick and gnarly enough to obscure any kind of view. Second, there are the roads and trails, which are poorly marked and have the tendency of going anywhere but where you think they ought to go. Third, it's hilly country (downtown Portland lies at 50', the mean elevation of Arlington Heights is 1000'), so unless you have a topo map, good luck finding Dr. Livingstone.

During my adventure, I took a wrong turn and ended up way too far south (the sound of cackling chimps was the giveaway). Heading north from the zoo, I detoured through the International Rose Test Garden (the view of decrepit roses and rotting blossoms is breathtaking in late October) and the Japanese Gardens (Don't get excited. North America and Japan lie at the same latitude, so yeah, they share common foliage. My advice? If you're tired of fir trees and climbing ivy, don't visit Japan).

Finally, I hit a familiar landmark--Fairview Blvd--and was golden for about ten minutes. The map said to turn right on Wildwood trail in 0.3 miles, so I did. Except it wasn't Wildwood trail. (Well, it felt like 0.3 miles.)

So I'm walking up this unmarked trail, which I just know is the wrong trail (funny how that works), looking for my next turn onto Cherry trail, which--of course--never appears. Then, wonder of wonders, I crash out of the bushes and stumble right into the Hoyt Arboretum parking lot... which... of course, was my desired destination all along.

Needless to say, I'm beginning to rethink the wisdom of a 50k trail run. Yes, there'll be a lake on my left-hand side for the entire race. Still, with my track record, I don't know that tempting fate is a great idea.

Not to dissuade anybody from joining me, of course. Getting lost is a character building experience. Moral of the story: You want character? Hang out with Daniel.