That is pain.
And when there's no way to vent the emotion caused by that pain, nobody to get bitter at, no-one to blame, it drives you mad.
It causes you to ask why.
In all the books, pain is released in some way. It's released by asking God why. It's released by isolating oneself from one's friends. It's released in streams of bitterness towards the one who caused you pain.
But I can't do any of these things.
I have faith in God's will, so there's nothing to question. I'm surrounded by people who love me, so I can't use isolation as a means of escape. I respect and understand her decision, so bitterness isn't something I can harbor.
I'm lost--trapped--sinking under a sea of doubt and soul searching. And yet, there are so many others who have suffered more. Corrie ten Boom, the Apostle Paul, Job. I don't even feel I have the right to feel as I do.
Do I mourn? Move on? Do I pick up the pieces of my life as they were before? Pretend the last three months never happened?
And then I read what I've just written, and realize it's all about me. I'm being selfish. And then I look back over the last three months, and realize it's always been about me.
It's hard when she says "no", and the reason she says "no" is because she's less selfish than you.
That hurts.
Everything I thought I knew about myself, every detail, needs scrutiny. All last night I tossed and turned in visceral pain. I arose at 3 am with a single question.
Who am I?
I don't really know anymore.
- Daniel
"Who am I, Gamling?"
if she said no it was God saying no also. it means He has bigger and better plans for you and you need to always keep your head up and push on. one little pebble doesn't make you fall unless you make it as big as a boulder. always look to a better future and a better tomorrow. seek out those who can help if you need it, and seek out those who will just listen.
ReplyDelete-Alan Schmidt
I am so sorry Daniel. My prayers and support will be with you brother.
ReplyDelete-Bryan York