Job Security and Cheese Graters

Job security. It's what we all want. But I bet you've discovered--as I have--that it's a difficult concept to quantify. What does it mean to be really, really secure in your job?

Well, I think--after a quest involving dragons, maidens in distress, and vast hoards of gold--I've found the perfect litmus test...

WOULD YOUR BOSS KILL A THIRD OF THE COMPANY WITH A CHEESE GRATER TO KEEP YOU?

Because mine would. At least, that's what he told me.

On the one hand, I feel absolutely, confidently secure. Barring something stupid, I can't see half the company willing to risk their lives to a piece of corrugated metal to get rid of me. On the other hand, it's kind of a heavy responsibility.

I mean--seriously--who wants to be responsible for keeping their boss out of jail?

Think about it. I leave, he snaps. Next thing you know, the survivors are staggering from the rubble, clutching their torn clothing and partially abraded flesh.

It would look really bad on my resume, not to mention the guilt of the slain on my mind. I didn't sign up for that kind of carnage.

As I see it, I've really only got one option. I have to wait until he retires. He's in his low-forties, so--worst case scenario--I've got 22 years to wait.

...unless he doesn't believe in retirement.

...drat.

But okay, it's not as bad as all that. I love my job. I work hard. It's not like the HR department is going to turn suicide bomber on me. A doomsday scenario isn't going to happen.

But still... you have to ask: "what if..."

You know, it's probably not worth it. Job security is great, but in my case, it's more like a nuclear standoff. If either side attacks, somebody's gonna die.

There's probably a better litmus test. Raises, vacation time, company cars, etc... Those seem like saner tests of your job security. Yeah, better back away from the cheese graters.

Until next time,
- Daniel